I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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