I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
