I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
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He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
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Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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