actually, I'm a sock model
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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