I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just cut my nipple shaving
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
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