it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
