I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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