I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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