I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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