The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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