So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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