So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
