apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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