Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
