ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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