I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
