This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
