he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize