i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
