I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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