About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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