There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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