PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
