If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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