You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I am midnight drunk by noon
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
