i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
