those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
