hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
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we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
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What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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