if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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