mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
