haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
