At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
