okay pat passed out under dana's car
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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