distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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