Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
