My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
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