are you still at the devil's house?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
