That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
