no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
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