Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
