he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
