I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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