Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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