It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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