MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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