Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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