Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
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I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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