Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
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Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
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My legs feel like baby dolphins
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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