I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
