I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
