sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
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I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
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Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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