4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
