counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
