I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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