Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
