im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
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Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
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The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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