well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
In America we eat man semen.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
