My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
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Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
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It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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