There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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